Listening to: Dreams in a Pie - Sakamoto Maaya
This is not madness, this is
SPARTA DESECRATION HOUR!!!!
MOVIE: 300
History loves men.
History loves men leading in short skirts with horses (Alexander the Great), men leading in armour with horses (The Crusades), men leading in turbans with horses (Saladin), men leading in nifty uniforms with bomber airplanes (Hitler)...
...history loves men, full stop. Whether this means history is homosexual is up for debate, but anyway.
[The Spartans] of Greece were leaders. Born and bred to fight and win or die trying, their culture would be remembered for their track record in winning a lot of battles. You gotta hand it to them - sure they violate human rights, but try finding a modern army who fights like them. Terrorists? [Viet Cong]? Pssht, they have to hide in holes with guns to score a hit, and that's if the bombs and mines don't hit the enemy first.
So first up, they fight like real men - they face the enemy, ready their shields, and have actual fighting strategies that involve charging into the enemy and beating the crap out of them. They lead like men. They are the very epitome of manly men. History loves men who lead right? Sure they do, Tolkien likes men who lead! Command & Conquer players dream of being men who lead, how else can we explain the RTS genre explosion!
So we got the history who loves the Spartans, the culture of loving the Spartan way, the badass Spartan fighting, all that's left was:
[Frank Miller]: Okay I want to make a story about the 300 Spartans at Thermopylae....history's got men in short skirts, turbans, uniforms...I know, I'll have the men in blinding red SPEEDOS! Nobody's thought of that one yet! I r genius! Bwahahaha!
Thanks a lot.
See, we can handle men in short skirts - who liked seeing Brad Pitt's ass in Troy? How many men got calf envy from seeing those muscular bronzed Greek legs? But in 300, these men bare more.
Needs more manboobs.
Let's reiterate, they're muscular and barechested. No crime in showing off a toned body, but there's a reason why people fear speedos - it shows off more than you need to see.
In this case we probably never wanted to guesstimate how well-endowed these men were or how muscularly perky their manboobs are, but THERE THEY ARE and you have no choice but to look because if you turn away, you're better off not watching the movie at all, really.
Good thing the pectorals don't ripple during the action scenes! Oh wait.
Epic pectorals are epic.
In case the title doesn't spoil the plot enough or for some reason you missed out on every single 300 parody the internet has to offer despite never watching the movie, the Persians want Sparta to surrender, and [King Leonidas], king of the Spartans screams the plot every 5 minutes (in case you forget). You can't miss him, he's the bearded guy in the trailers who keeps screaming, "THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!". If you missed that, you were probably staring too long at his speedos, twit.
The rest of the movie is dedicated to the Spartans fighting the [Persians]. It goes like this:
Spartans: THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! *AHWOOGA! AHWOOGA!*
*they run down hundreds of Persians*
Spartans: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!
*they run down hundreds of Persians, then die*
Somewhere in the movie there's also King Leonidas' wife who's a badass in her own way, but nobody cares because they're all hypnotized by the bouncing pectorals (and speedos) of MANLINESS.
Yes, 300 barechested speedoed men, an effeminate God-King, and a limbless harem girl (don't ask) can only mean this is a MANLY MOVIE. MANLY MEN charging into battle, MANLY MEN wearing speedoes and baring their MANboobs as the biggest symbol of MANLINESS, MANLY MEN fighting and killing and making MANLY noises, MANLY MEN at war! MANLY camaraderie, slapping each other on the back and looking out for each other! MANLY MEN of MANLINESS fighting a MANLY war with MANLY honour and MANLY CG effects! It's all about MEN of MAN of MANLY MEN!
And if you think that was purely heterosexual, then by god, you are one HECKUVA man.
I say this because not one guy I know who watched the movie is straight anymore. For hours they gush about Gerard Butler and his bearded charisma shouting SPARTAAAAAAA and how it arouses them. Their hearts pound furiously against their chests as the experience of the thunderous roar of three hundred spartans pushing and heaving and groaning under the pressure and strain of the persian army, never relenting, never resting, seeps into their loins. They gaze at the determined faces, the expression of raw grit in the face of adversity, and say "I want to be like that."
Most importantly, they come out of the theatre clutching their eyes and scream "OH GOD THE GAYNESS" and proceed to blame all the girls they know for the suggestion that the movie is nothing but blatant gay propaganda. Thank heavens they weren't naked like in the comics; there may be no such thing as a straight man after that, let alone anyone who can follow the spartan ideal. =__=
If you're male and you looked at this pic, you are now gay.
So...How is it?
It's an entertaining movie.
It's not a bad movie - once you realise that the director's vision is to turn the movie into a frame-by-frame replica of the comic, the only thing left to do is to sit down and see how well the hojillion special effects translate to real life. Don't bitch and rant about the inaccuracies of the actual battle, because that's not it. The director says read the comic book, you do the sane thing and bitch that Frank Miller is inaccurate, not the movie.
This is a case where the actual movie isn't half as interesting as the [ridiculous] [photoshopped] [pictures] because SPARTAAAAAAAAAAA is the new catch phrase. Need quick money? Yell THIS IS A BANK ROBBERYYYYYYYYYY and kick down the doors! Claiming custody case? Scream I AM THE CHILD'S FATHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and kick down the courtroom, running out with the kid! Telling your date your plans for the night? Just say TONIGHT WE DINE AT [insert restaurant here]; you know everyone will love your Spartan badassery for LIFE.
So....movie good, music good, manly manboobs disturbing, parodies better, but it's a good way to pass time with a few friends.
At least it's MUCH better than Pathfinder, stupid waste of... =__=
SPARTA DESECRATION HOUR!!!!
GAME: GOD OF WAR 2
Shortly after a movie about 300 manly Spartans was released, Sony released a game about one manly Spartan. It's like saying "so what, you got 300 Spartans? We only need ONE, beat THAT nyahnyahnyah!"
Pity their one Spartan is such an idiot.
Once upon a time a pissy emo Spartan named Kratos became bitchboy of Olympus as thanks for making him so badass. However, he's so pissy that he kills everyone and everything without any conscience. As long as he benefits, it's perfectly ok! ^__^b
By the end of the first game (which I never mustered enthusiasm to play), Kratos becomes the God of WAR (not to be confused with RAW, though he'd make a great wrestler).
So ok he's got women at his feet, he's got power, he's a friggin GOD, maybe he'd stop being pissy eh? Fat chance, he walks right out of Olympus and becomes Kratoszilla as support for his fellow Spartans until Athena reduces him to normal size and has him fight the Colossus of Rhodes.
Kratoszilla smash!
Later, Zeus sucks Kratos' powers away and leaves him to die. However, now-mortal Kratos is too emo and pissy for death, and claws his way back to the mortal world to fly to the sisters of fate and reverse his fate.
Along the way he will learn that he is NOT the goddamn Prince of Persia and running and jumping and graceful grappling should be taken out of the third game in lieu of a better blocking system.
Kratos is a hulking mean-spirited Spartan. He rescues hapless translators just for the sake of making them translate a few words then pound their heads into the ground to make them bleed to death for a sacrifice. He carries around two blades connected by a large heavy chain. He attacks a minotaur 3 times his size by snatching the beast's weapon, beating them with it, jamming his weapon into its chest, then pulling them onto the weapon, impaling them.
Why then would the programmers make him swing along a series of grappling hooks and force him to make jumps he doesn't look like he can clear without countless tries of precision timing and screen-staring? Why give him a gigantic viking hammer to beat things up when it's so slow I get knocked off in midair? Why give him gliding wings when the ability to block mid-attack would be better?
Consider these two scenarios:
1. Kratos pulls back a spiked battering ram from a gate. As the battering ram inches towards the gate, Kratos runs into the passage, pulls a lever, then must button mash to open the gate before he is impaled! This requires accuracy and button-mashing to escape before the battering ram impales you. Repeat for an hour.
2. Kratos pulls down a lift to get to the bottom. Skeletons attack him and stall the lift. He needs to beat up the skeletons and pull to the bottom before the lift's spiky ceiling impales him. Since Kratos is the sort where once hit he's a punching bag for ages, a swarm of skeletons swarm him and there's not enough time to pull away from the ceiling and WHAM he's dead again. Repeat for an hour.
The worst is after a certain amount of deaths, they ask if you want to go to easy mode. Hello people, I am not in trouble because your enemies are hard to kill, I'm in trouble because your constraints for testing my reflexes are LUDICROUS. Add to the annoyance of being mobbed once one hit connects and I'm only killing them brutally because I want it over with, not because I'm enjoying it.
Here's a hint to the developers: YOUR SPARTAN IS WEIGHED DOWN BY ANGST AND VIOLENCE. USE THAT TO YOUR ADVANTAGE, DAMMIT. Don't make him fly and glide and climb and jump and grapple and hang and dodge and prance and skip, leave that for when you have to press a series of buttons to cause dramatic damage. Give me more parts where Kratos will block when I hammer BLOCK and then counter with my combo of DOOM! Don't give me that nonsense about having to block THREE consecutive gorgon stares and dying because Kratos doesn't block as fast as I tell him to!
Kratos is NOT, and will never be the Prince of Wallrunning Persia. If I wanted to play a game where a character dodges attacks by prancing around while comboing enemies in midair, I'd play Devil May Cry. If I wanted to miscalculate a jump and fall into a ledge without the game patronizing me, I'd play Prince of Persia. When I want to play Slaughterfest Spartan Edition, that's where YOUR stupid game comes in. I don't want to dodge and tiptoe and fly, I just want to kill and smash things with the occasional button minigame and you're not letting me do that!
This doesn't even start on what's really wrong with the game: I see no appeal in Kratos at all.
First he's not satisfied that he's a god, then he's not satisfied with people screwing him over, then he angsts that he's been wrongly treated and Olympus wants to screw him over, boo hoo hoo. Meanwhile I'm thinking "Hello if you weren't so hung up on thinking Olympus owes you NONE of this would have happened!" because it's true - the entire story stems from Kratos' inability to stop being pissy emo and crying to the skies that it's all Zeus' fault. Dante gave the finger and went with the flow, and at least the Prince of Persia blames himself first because he knows it's his fault; Kratos' idea of setting things right is throwing an injured soldier into a bone-crushing machine to open a new area for HIM to waltz through. How benevolent!
Assholic Kratos is assholic.
Penny Arcade said Kratos killing all those Greek myths and legends are epic; Shadow of the Colossus was more epic than this, and the guy didn't have to yell "I WILL REND YOU FROM THE DEPTHS OF HADES" (or something) all the damn time.
Hey Kratos, you ever heard of karma? Here it is ripping you a new one!
So...How is it-
*RIP* STUPID GAME. =___=
The 3rd game had better redeem him (what idiot turns back time to beat up Zeus some more instead of just reconciling with his past?) with better controls and less stupid MANLY twitch action gaming, or Kratos stays in my "characters whose necks I'd gladly break" list.
After that, I played KINGDOM HEARTS 2. SORA is more badass than you, stupid emo Spartan!
My dad enjoyed the story though, so I guess if you're still remotely heterosexual after 300 you'll like the story. Men, what weird beings you are indeed.
The only part of the game I enjoyed. Sad.
(Pictures ganked from [Rope of Silicon] and [Gamespot])
